This post is about mushroom stamping.
urbandictionary defines it as…
Mushroom Stamp: when a male slaps his penis off the forehead of another individual, leaving a mushroom-shaped mark.
This post is long, I apologize, but I witnessed two mushroom stamps this month, and it was an incredible experience. I was helpless as my friend got stamped, but I also was fortunate to deliver one in person. It’s kinda fun, but uber embarrassing. Don’t be a victim, avoid the shroom.
Story Number One
-A close friend on mine bought a MacBook Pro Apple Laptop on Craigslist.org.
We were suspicious of the low price, and so my friend had me call the seller, and pretended to be the owner of a “stolen” laptop.
I was like, “I work for Craigslist, and I just had my laptop stolen, I called all the people who had listings of the MacBook online, and I called all the listings online and asked for serial numbers. I found out that you just sold my laptop to someone. So I want my fucking laptop back.”
He started to stutter, and he was very confused. He was trying to make up a lie about finding it on the subway. I told him I was going to report him to the police, and he started panicking. He freaked out, and bought it back from my friend for $500 over the price he sold it to him for. Then, I told him to pay my friend money to ship it to me. Then, I also told him to pay me $500 to not tell the police, and for all my wasted time. Anyway, so my friend got $500 dollars and a free MacBook pro, a sweet little $2300 computer. We came out ahead, as I also netted $500 from the deal……..
Scored some mad cheddar from this little beeyatch.
Crime doesn’t pay if you’re a dumbass.
-A nameless friend, Kenny Wong called me at work, and told me to meet up with this girl he randomly met. We have been trying to meet more females in NYC, because we’re tired of each other’s homo-eroticism. It’d be nice to hang out with some females, eh? I did my job and found a girl for us to hang out with, so it was Kenny’s turn. Kenny apparently thought this girl had a nice personality, and despite her ugly appearance would bring cuter friends. Kenny called me in as a backup plan just in case she came alone. Not only did she NOT bring hot friends, but she would deliver an unprecedented female mushroom stamp directly to Kenny’s forehead causing an entire night of grief. The following story is R-Rated and not for the faint hearted, because she was that ugly.
First off, the girl had a giant zit in between her eyes, which made it look
like she had a third eyeball. It was bright red, and glowing the entire lunch.
I tried not to look, so I kept my eyes glued to the menu. I silently thought
to myself, I hope we can eat, and leave immediately without incurring any
kind of further investment into this girl. Then, as we were about to
order, and she suddenly looked straight at Kenny and said, “This meal is your treat!” Bam, the stamp was on his head!
Kenny was caught by surprise, and completely froze. She ordered oysters, and Kenny was about to be out $20, treating a three-eyed monster to a delectable lunch. I was also helpless, and ordered a coke to try and ease Kenny’s shock, but was unable to move any further to his rescue. She didn’t say please, or “I forgot my wallet,” or anything of that sort. She just slapped Kenny in the face with the bill. Too shocked to have to eat with this woman again, we both didn’t say the usual, “okay, the next time is on you.” Thank you Peter Griffin for the visual. She was as round as blueberry, and with her looks already teetering on a 2 out of 10 scale, we were horrified that despite her 3 out of 10 personality, she would later drop two more points in personality by being annoyingly loud and super rude to the server. A sweet little 3 out of 20 score for this fine specimen. Kenny Wong would never fully recover, but I did my best to console him.
